SPRooM: Not the Dumb New Englander Band

What do you care. Why do you read these things? this is my unabashed opinion--if you like (good for you). if you dont (F U IN A BISCUIT!). go read something else.


Green Bean kix?

Ok, last November (yes, almost a year ago), we were going to fix a nice Thanksgiving dinner. The wife liked this green bean casserole, and wanted that as one of the sides. ON THANKSGIVING, we went to your friendly one-stop-shop with happy faces and evil corporate bidding for this holy grail of thanksgiving place settings. when we got there the place was packed, of course. we went to the 'correct' aisle per its description, and there were stockers all over the place. We looked for the right one, and it was nowhere to be found. we looked some more. nothing. finally, we went asking for help from the stockers (what would you do here?). Of course, we went to the most 'normal' looking one, and asked them:

Us: "Do you have 'Blah' green bean casserole kit?'

Stocker 1: "Umn. I'n don' know 'bout dee GREEN BEEEN KIX." (capitalization for loudness and inflection). "HEHN! YOUU know 'bout dem GREEN BEEEN KIX? HEHN! HEHN! GREEN BEEEN KIX?"

Us: "We'll ask them if that's their regular area. Thanks for your help" (to Stocker 1) Us: "Do you know where the 'Blah' green bean casserole kits are?" (to Stocker 2)

Stocker 2: "I'm sorry ma'am, this aisle is normally his---(Stocker 1 interrupts) "HEHN! YOUU know 'bout dem GREEN BEEEN KIX? HEHN! HEHN! GREEN BEEEN KIX?"

Stocker 2: "Let's ask Stocker 3, and he should be able to hel--(Stocker 1 interrupts) "The GREEN BEEEN KIX? HEHN? DA KIX, DA KIX, DA KIX, DA BEEEN KIX"
(we're walking away from Stocker 1 {redubbed Stalker 1}, and trying to find an answer to this all important holiday question)

Stocker 2 to Stocker 3: " Hey, Stocker 3, do you know where the 'Blah' green bean casserole kit is? we're having troub---(Stalker 1 interrupts) "HEHN, Stocker 3....Green BEEEN KIX. Wherm dey at with Therm GREEN BEEEEN KIX. DA KIX?"
We finally found out that this huge merchandise mogul had discontinued its use of that particular brand of green bean kix, ahem, kits. To this day, we remember how fast we got out of that aisle before we had to hear one more declaration that still rings in my ears like yesterday: WHERE DEM GREEN BEEEEN KIX?


Here's your 8 minutes of previews bitches...

Alright...things are starting to wind down between Halloween and Thanksgiving. Keep watching, because i've got some posts coming up. Just for a tease, here's a few that will be forthcoming:

-Green Bean Kits
-Isabelle the birdkiller
-Story of Junebug
-I dont never break a dollar
-Fat fingered manager
-Old people texting
-Worst case of grocery store feet ever
-I got the invisible woman, when I was looking for the man of Steel
-i'm fuskin hamfred
-If yhou're gonna charge me, I want sausage
-Nuh-uh! I seen'd ya tilt~!
-A drag queen scorned
-Snakes on a Plane

Stay tuned true believers, you don't want to miss out on 'Green Bean Kix', 'Story of Junebug', or 'Nuh-uh! I seen'd ya tilt~!'


Two time saving tricks that work every time.

Trick numero uno (#1 if you're not from around here): The ON/OFF ramp honk: you ever driving along, and right as you're passing the interstate entrance/exit...there is some jackass that technically has enuff time to get onto the roadway in front of you, but you KNOW (you just freaking know) they are not going to go as fast as you. They will slow you down. Wanna know what you can do to stall them? It won't give you much time, but it always works out to just enuff.

Here's how it works: you see them inching like they are going to do the crawl out in front of you, right? Get just within hearing distance and give them a good long honk. Their inching with take a brake (normally a little jerky just for that extra giggle effect), and in that moment-BAM-their opportunity to get in front of you safely is just, well, gone. rinse. lather. repeat.

Trick numero dos (#2, if you've had refried beans and a coke)
The Elevator floor skip: Ok, this one requires more than just one person...you need i'd say at least 3-4 contributors.

Here's how it works:
Working in a corporation, I HATE having to stop on an extra floor, and get all those people on board. When you see that you're stopping at a floor, and you don't want anyone else on; get 3 of your friends to crowd the front. Since you're the frontrunner, you have to do the convincing. The doors open, you look to your left. you look to your right . try to back up, but a contributor is right behind. The people waiting will look in more than likely, see that there might be room, but not fight the fight. It's worked so far every time it's been tried.
There you have it. Go out there. Cause a little ruckus....you deserve it


Pedestrian Controversy

OK. I dont really believe in huge en masse pedestrian crosswalks in GENERAL, and begrudingly abide by the law...so, why 'OH WHY' would someone seeing me driving toward them, slow down just enough for them to cross, and wait for their eight kids they have with them to cross (this is turning into a very long sentence)...STOP and look at me with pursed lips and disapproving manor? I WILL HIT YOU, WOMAN. get the F out of my way. she stopped like i wasnt going to stop, but um...she was right in front of my car. I just dont get it. when crossing the street for me, i always try to go BEHIND passing vehicles or let them go by before crossing. Is it something they put in the yellow 'pedestrian' paint? I wanna freaking know?? AGGGGHHHH! in other words, never shop at the supercenter if you know i'm going to be there later, and if you do...get out of the way.


Blame it on the CEC worker:

A few weeks back, i ended up at the place where a kid can be a kid. You know...the one with the scary felt robots singing crappy covers of even crappier songs. One thing though: Skee ball. yep; it's an addiction. Anyway, I'm sitting there shimming those balls into holes (hey now, this is a family show here...), trying to get as many freakin tickets as humanly possible. It was late, there was no one in there...and temptation rose. What if i THREW the balls underhanded into the 50 slot instead of trying to snakem up there like normal. Sounded like a good idea at the time. I started off with 40's. bam. bam. bam. i was getting 40 every single time. This was too freaking easy! whoops. here comes a 'party leader' over. i started playing nice again, and this girl starts dusting the skeeball aisles. why? because skeeball is a serious sport, and all the lanes need to be f*cking clean that's why. Anyway, she started dusting mine, and i was like 'no, i wasnt playing or anything...i can wait'. She finally left, and looking around to see if anyone else there was watching, i thought i'd give my throwing abilities another go. 40. bam. 40. bam. it was time to go for 50. First try for 50--it goes up over the net, hits the scoreboard, knocks the glass right off the front and makes the LED go all haywire. mmmmmmmm....what did i do? I blamed it on the CEC worker. she just dusted 15 seconds earlier. There was no more underhanded throwing after that. Just plain ole' skeeball. Moral: if you're going to do something sneaky, be quick on your feet with an excuse. it worked for me.


What a lazy boy i've become


I'm sorry, I've been a bad blogger lately. i've got 25-30 entries to publish, and i think i've scared myself away. more to come. promise. first i've got to get thru the end of this month, and October. my god, i'm busy


A rolling contradiction

If you're pretentious enuff to buy a highend BMW, and have the wherewithall to put a personalized liscense plate that states "WOO WEE".....it's probably prudent to NOT drive at 25mph in a 55mph zone. I'm just sayin.

Great googly moogly, people are dumb.